i think i probably started doing yoga because of big little lies. shailene woodley's character goes on a lot of long, intense runs to cope with her rape trauma and when i was fresh outta my Bad Relationship i was like... hmm i guess my coping mechanism could also be trying to get hotter. katie started sneaking me into classes at decatur yoga and pilates while she was working and then i became obsessed and soon i was going once, sometimes multiple times a day!!
let's pause for a moment of earnestness and vulnerability: the first time i went to a hot yoga class, just as we were emerging from the fetus-like state it is custom to adopt at the end of class due to womb-like conditions (warm, moist, queef smell all around) the teacher was like, "take a moment to thank yourself for taking some time JUST FOR YOU." i started sobbing audibly right there among the alarmingly well-preserved north decatur moms. something something about spending almost a year living entirely on someone else's terms, often fearful of requesting any amount of time to hang out by myself and do any of the things i had previously enjoyed doing? i imagined all the ways my ex would have made fun of me if i'd told him i'd gone to a yoga class, and then i experienced the wonderfully light, soaring feeling was washing over me a few times a day at that point - the feeling that comes from being overcome by panic and fear and urgency, only to realize that it's totally unnecessary and you can just bop on along. it's like when i was in college and, for the first few days after the end of a semester, i would shoot straight up in bed and yell "oh my GOD" (like i did every morning during the semester) and then remember that i could, instead, just chill. i was flying high (╯◕ヮ◕)╯
i'm not really sure what i'm trying to get out of yoga now that i'm slightly less addicted to exercising control over my own body to the extent that i'm literally incapable of thinking about anything else for a blissful 90 minutes. because i had to take a long break over the summer, i'm not as strong as i was and i get easily frustrated with my body's inability to do stuff it could once do with ease. i know that's not the point, but i never claimed to be a yogi. just a girl with a dream.
i recently watched some episodes of gwyneth poltrow's astonishing netflix series (about her business? her wellness journey? pop quantum physics? still unclear) and was struck, as i often am, by the perpetual tension in my mind between forces of logic and forces of mysticism. i'm a religious person, and i guess that also makes me a spiritual person. but what was one do with a spiritual inclination when contemporary spirituality is so focused on the self, so often tied into the broader schema of "wellness" that permeates middle class culture in the western world? in the goop intro sequence, gwyneth refers to "the optimization of self" as a wholesome, righteous, even holy endeavor.
people who are into this shit often strike me as deeply unstable. i mean, gwyneth paltrow is obviously a lizard person and her entire team of "goopies" seems to be on the verge of some severe psychic break. but really, i have trouble defending the good that comes from yoga and associated practices when it seems to turn its most devout followers into insufferable, narcissistic psychos. it's like people take the (true and important and transformative) idea that all human lives are sacred and somehow twist it to justify self-obsession. this makes sense when you consider how many people, like myself, turn to these practices after experiencing trauma. for me, i think it was both an urge to cleanse myself of said trauma, and a form of disordered eating that i could render morally righteous. but, as i am now finding, this singular pursuit of self-optimization ends up falling flat. because we are social creatures and spirituality is only real when shared, even if you're able to self-promote, build a lifestyle brand, be an influencer, my guess is that eventually emptiness will find you. as my boy william penn once said... ~true godliness does not turn men out of the world, but enables them to live better in it and excites their endeavors to mend it~
this
jacobin article from a while ago has stuck with me:
Current exercise trends, like hot yoga, spin, and CrossFit, all demonstrate a commitment to self-denial and self-discipline, values much praised by the Victorians. Being fit now indexes class, saturating both fitness and food culture. As calories have become cheaper, obesity has changed from being a sign of wealth to a sign of moral failure.
rereading it, i'm reminded of gwyneth but also some hometown heroes like deborah, the owner of the atl yoga studio where i did work trade, who glides around her bikram empire, barefoot and seemingly guileless, warmly greeting longtime customers and only paying her receptionists $8/hr. another bastion of the atlanta yogi community is this lady named sonali, who does all sorts of woo-woo consulting work but also runs a class in her living room that i used to go to with some friends. we would do yoga for an hour, then eat some sort of vegan (and fastidiously organized according to ayurvedic guidelines) stew and practice "imago communication" (one of those speak-and-mirror communication methods that has been rebranded under 20 different names at this point but probably can trace its origins back to a college improv group warmup).
anyway, sonali decided to have a rooftop party - she lived in a recently renovated loft directly on the beltline - and charge $25 for entry (not including alcohol). she told me and a couple others that if we helped her set up we could attend for free. always tryna party, i agreed, but when i showed up she was really mean!!! she started hovering over my shoulder and trying to tell me exactly how much hummus to put on each chickpea cracker on the hors d'oeuvres tray i was assigned to work on, and then she gave up in exasperation and insisted on doing it herself. then, she informed us that she expected us to serve drinks and refill snacks and "if you see some food fall on the floor make sure to get to it and wipe it up before anyone notices." we'd agreed to help her set up, not work the event for free, and so obviously i was pissed and yelled at her and she looked really surprised (i don't think she's used to people expressing frustration with her, presumably because she carries herself more like a godESS than a fallible human) and then backpedaled and tried to use her Communication Strategy on me. bitch i'm not gonna mirror you!!
all of this is to say... i and many people i love have fallen into the Wellness Trap and it does have many life-affirming benefits and can make you feel more alive and energetic and appreciative of yourself. but it's easier than most addictions to take to an extreme because it's cloaked in a veil of moral authority. i guess my rules for myself are:
1. don't let it replace true joy in your life or keep you from having fun and living mas. kale smoothies are good but so is mdma baby!!
2. the moment you start to feel superior to those around you because of what you consume, it's gone to far preiodt. keep in mind that wellness culture is ultimately a class project, keep what works for you and leave what doesn't and mind ur own fucken business.
